


The wheel is turning now.

by Nooneasks



Series: Your love is like the white whale. [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alpha Sakusa Kiyoomi, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Not Beta Read, Omega Miya Atsumu, POV Second Person, Post-Time Skip, Sleeping Beauty Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24367549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nooneasks/pseuds/Nooneasks
Summary: You're 16 going on 17. It's your last spring tournament when you find out Miya Atsumu is an omega.You're 22, barely still going on 23, when Miya Atsumu unknowingly drags you into hell.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Your love is like the white whale. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931323
Comments: 39
Kudos: 182





	The wheel is turning now.

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally so many fics idea for these two And I like never really post any fics since like uh maybe 2006? And that was just like two.
> 
> But I just started writing. Like I had an alpha/alpha one I started in late march that I got stuck on, I have 11 pages or more partially through of one where atsumu cant stop jerking to sakusa, that I'm stuck on, I started one where Sakusa gets jealous of Astumu playing too much animal crossing but then they have a cute in game date, and then I had another omega verse where Astumu ask fucking sakusa to be a fucking sperm donor. Idk why I have so much omegaverse for these too.
> 
> SO I DONT KNOW WHY THE ONE THAT MAKES ME SAD IS THE ONE I FINSHED FIRST. IM SORRY. It's not bete'd so if theres any mistakes please let me know! Also idk how tag on mobile. So I am very sorry if theres a tag I should put. Please let me know. Also I was inspire by an oikiwa dojinshi by Gusari. I would link but thier usually hosted on questionable sites lol.

It's your last spring tournament when you find out Miya Atsumu is an omega. 

You're 16 going on 17. You confessed to a teammate that you found his scent tolerable, 2 weeks before. The omega didn't know how to respond and still hasn't. Traditionalists alphas win a majority ruling to pass omega identification requirements that same week. He complains about that instead of responding to your confession, with the other omegas on the team. You don't try to assume, and you don't try to hope. But you still find your head going there. Assuming the worst, hoping for the best.

You feel empty and numb.

You're 16 going on 17, barely a child, barely an adult, when you enter a gymnasium full of children, tainted by adult politics. It's a rough sea of loud noise, talking and klinking. But despite the noise, the crowd is almost color coded. Teams stand huddle together, in tight circle formations, eyes weary at every passerby. You spot Karasuno, and Kageyama easily since they are one of the few teams spread out. A line of black against the spots of color. You would give a small raised hand of acknowledgement but crossed arms and tight mouths plague even them. Komori doesn't try to risk it either. 

You press your back against a wall finally when a loud sharp "Yo" is directed at Komori. You don't have to look to know who it is, but you do look nonetheless. A bracelet twinkles around a raised hand, and the klinks it makes when the hand falls to the side is almost deafening. You watch as Komori's eyes follow it down, wide in recognition at the black omega symbol that sits in the middle of it. A contrast to the bracelet that sits around his wrist, one that has a white omega symbol. 

Standing before your best friend is the very thing he's been complaining about with the boy you like while you're left with no answer to your confession. The excuse alphas used that caused him and a lot of other children to be singled out now because of their secondary gender. The object for all the tension and building frustration in the gymnasium. 

It's Miya Atsumu. 

He stands there in a volleyball uniform that is just as black as the symbol. Eyes closed, smile big and wide, seemingly oblivious to the bombshell he has just dropped. Hoshumi can be heard yelling out their names from down the hall. You spot two more figures in black, move this way. But all of that is deaf to Komori who hasn't moved his eyes away from the bracelet. He snaps out of it when Hoshiumi steps behind him to give a sweeping greeting to everyone. Behind Atsumu is Suna Rintaro and Osamu. There isn't a bracelet around the other Miya twin. The bareness of it creates a gaping maw of questions. 

If Hoshumi notices, it's hidden, though you could swear his eyes linger down longer than they should. Nobody says anything yet besides a few short greetings. It feels as if all of the tension in the air had decided to congeal itself over the group. Blanketing them in unspoken questions that demand to be answered. 

It seems as though if they weren't going to point out the elephant in the room, Atsumu wasn't going to either. Luckily their little reunion was big enough to pull Kageyama and the orange haired omega with the insane jumps over. The taller player is quick to realize that he's just pulled himself under a blanket that offers no safety. The short boy beside him on the other hand is quick to see the bracelet but not at the potential powder keg this is.

"Oh Atsumu-san? has a similar bracelet to Lev." Kageyama elbows him while hissing "Don't point stuff like that out. Idiot" Atsumu laughs it off while shaking his wrist. "Oh so there's another AO besides me and Suna. Thought we were going to be the only ones" The smaller player blinks at Atsumu, seemingly unaware that he's wearing the bracelet for more than trying to match with his uniform. That makes Atsumu laugh just a little harder, Suna looks exasperated. Kageyama apologizes, while trying to sneakily kick his friend for his obliviousness. The shorter boy just looks confused and annoyed between the two setters. Atsumu smiles while watching them, just teeth, sharp and blinding. 

"I'm guessing you dont follow hot issues, Shouyo" He questions, seemingly deciding to take pity on him. And to lift the veil back on something at least. The smaller shakes his head, looking just as exasperated as Suna now. Atsumu puts his hands on his hips, leg cocked, head tilted and explains "It s'pose to indicate that I'm an Anomalous Omega." Recognition lights up in the smaller player's eyes at a familiar term. "Oh, I just never heard of it referred to as AO." Osamu's eyes narrow, mouth tight, most likely feeling the same as you. Even though both are speaking normally, the conversation's topic is too loud. Several frustrated ears are turned this way, listening in. Hoshiumi and Komori's mouth turn down just a smidge.

Atsumu doesn't act bothered in the slightest, but Suna lifts his chin up, eyes slits, in judgement. "Most don't know. The news doesn't use it cause it's pretty easy to confuse with something else." The setter carries on. As if he's explaining the weather. Something is mumbled by Suna, who looks away in annoyance. You can't make it out. The conversation gets cut off by another one of Atsumu's teammates. Gin? you think. "Coach wants us to stick together, what are y'all doing?" he wears a similar bracelet to Komori's. The one every normal omega is required to wear now, supposedly thanks to Anomalous Omegas like Miya Atsumu. The giant nail in the coffin to get various betas, alphas and even some omegas to vote in favor of identification. He wraps an arm around the setter's shoulders, looking around trying to gauge the atmosphere. 

"I'm just telling shorty here what this means." The blonde explains, shaking the bracelet around like a baby's rattle. It's obnoxiously loud. It shines in your eyes at one point, the light hitting it just right. Your face tightens in annoyance. How Miya-like. 

"Oh" is all the other can get out while pulling his arm away, making a face. There's a whisper somewhere behind Hoshiumi, a hand wrapped in noisy silver, hiding venomous insults being fed into a fellow teammate's ear. Everyone is uncomfortable besides Atsumu, who guards himself with a lazy grin. The shortest player finally grabs hold to the tension after that, but now it's too late to let go. "I didn't realize that some people would get different bracelets, I thought it was a prefecture style choice. Heh." Is sheepishly spilled out by the Kurosno player, trying to somewhat apologize for bringing it up now. Atsumu chuckles, letting the player off the hook "It's cool. I just wish it was something else, I cant figure out how to wear a jacket without getting annoyed by the stupid thing." Suna and Osamu roll their eyes, posture loosening up. Gin teases, something about Atsumu's mom having to fix it for him. The other two join in. Atsumu snaps at them to shut up, a slight blush on his ears. A lot of the tension melts away, though Komori looks uncomfortable for a different reason. You don't know why and you don't think he wants to be bugged by a lot of questions right now.

Atsumu clicks his tongue when they finally let up, looking away, arms crossed. Someone waves and calls for them. As they walk off, he pauses briefly, a grin breaking out across his face, as he turns a foot pointed in your direction. "Oh Kiyoomi, congrats on getting captain, hopefully it won't make it hurt more when you lose to us." He smirks. You straighten up from where you were leaning, nose up, eyebrows knitted in disgust, replying "Its Sakusa to you, and same" giving a brief nod to his own matching jersey number, before moving your head to look down at him. 

Atsumu's grin somehow splits his face even more, before he turns, walking away with a brief raise of his hand. The noise the bracelet makes is lost in the sea of similar klinks and chimes.

When he's out of shot, Hoshiumi breaks the silence with a shocked "Did you know?" Head moving back and forth between the other four people left. You almost shove it away and tell him to shut up but Komori reins him in with "I didn't, I thought he was an alpha like Sakusa." The smaller white haired boy continues "Same, I thought maybe he was seeing somebody. So I didn't think it was, you know." Once again the orange haired of the duo is spilling whatever is on his mind, mumbling "Didn't you say he presented this year. " Two heads hone in on the taller of the duo, who looks constipated. "What?" "When?" Is lobbed at him simultaneously. The black haired male's face scrunches up even more, before he hestianly says "I don't think I should talk about it." You agree, mostly because you think it's a stupid topic. And your skin is crawling somewhat, wanting them to leave.

"It was at a training camp we were invited to this year. I saw him take some suppressants before a drill and he explained when I asked." he answers finally after some pestering. Hoshimu pouts, face annoyed, "Oh so there was training camp I wasn't invited to. I knew it." Komori's face twists though. It seemed that he still had questions, but drops with a huffed laugh "Well I wasn't invited too if that makes it sting less" The duo is pulled away, while Hoshimu rolls his eyes before giving a goodbye. You're finally able to breath, though you itch to wash your skin. 

Komori stands off to the side, with a guilty look. That's when it hits you, that strange emotion was guilt. You decided to not acknowledge it. The burnette stays like that the entire day. It's not until that night before the second day, when you're in the cramped shared room next to a window, 15 ft apart from him and half the team that you speak. 

"You know if we knew everything, we wouldn't be human, we would be gods. What you said and felt today, both before and now, is what makes you human. You said some stupid stuff about Anomalous Omegas, now you feel bad after finding out someone you knew is one. Everyone has. Get over it. What's done is done. You're not a god, you're not perfect. You'll change with every new experience."

He's quiet for a minute, before you hear him shake with a giggle. "You are the only person I know who can sound like a badly written new year's fortune and ancient philosopher at the same time." 

"Shut up." 

You're 16, going on 17 when you beat Miya Atsumu. 

Under the net Komori smiles brightly at him, grasping his hand, and saying "See you on the court." The blonde's sullen face turns up with a smirk, "Yeah, you will" The promise of more has the other day's memories forgotten. When he gets to you he doesn't hold out his hand, he just gives you a muttered "Good game." Face scrunched in what can only be described as childish annoyance. To the side, his brother mutters "Yer just mad cause you talk all that big game the other day" The blonde whips his head to look at the other, eyes narrow in scrutiny. He's holding up the line. His hand swings towards you just a little, and without much thought you grab and shake his hand as firmly as you can. 

"Good game. Miya." You mean it too. The blonde is moon eyed for a second before he breaks out into the biggest shit-eating grin yet. He meets your shake with an even tighter one. "I'll meet you on the court again for sure Omi." You feel your eyebrow twitch up in annoyance. "It's Sakusa to you, and I hope that's not all talk like this time" To the side, his teammates snicker and Atsumu can only grind his teeth, eyes almost shut with how narrow in anger they are. His brother is already pushing him away before he can respond and you smirk at getting the last jab. You don't shake anyone else's hand after that. 

Your high over beating Atsumu doesn't last, as your team is knocked out the next match. While waiting to go you see Gin and Osamu grabbing a forgotten bag. Komori calls them over to ask where Atsumu is to say one last goodbye. Gin looks at the other Miya, and then away, uncomfortable. Osamu's jaw is clenched so tight you swear you can hear the crack of a tooth. Finally the gray haired twin simply gets out "He's asleep." Gin quickly adds "We got to go." Before either one of you can react, they're gone. Komori simply leaves a faint "oh" to trail after them. 

Later on the bus ride home your teammate answers your confession. 

It's no.

You're surprised at how well you take it, and you're thankful the omega didn't leave you in limbo. But his explanation makes your skin crawl. Simply saying "I don't want to be tolerable to somebody, I want to be irresistible. And I don't want to settle for tolerable either. I want, you know, the one."  
You hate that. Of course you know what he wants. He gets up and leaves you alone after that. 

The whole ride back you hate the idea of mates even more. You hate being an alpha. You hate omegas. You hate it all. You hate the scents and expectations. It makes your stomach churn in fear. You want to shower. As if that can wash it away. You just hate that idea so much.

You don't dwell on it too long because soon you graduate, and college takes over your mind. Komori only goes for a year before dropping out to go pro. You help him move out and he hugs you. You ache just a little. You throw yourself into school and volleyball. You make friends but none like him. It's lonely. But you handle it. 

You're 19 going on 20 when you think about Miya Atsumu as an omega for the first time in years. It's in a spare class you don't want to take but you need to for your scholarships. A throwaway class about current events. This year there's talk about changing the identification requirements. Many omegas were hoping for a repeal, but it doesnt happen. Instead they are changing what goes on the AO bracelets. Thus two whole weeks covering everything about Anomalous Omegas.

Older now and with new information, you're able to truly understand what happened that year. 

You learn that the reason Osamu wasn't an omega, was that somewhere in their DNA a mutation developed in Atsumu's. That he was supposed to be an alpha, like his brother. But something just decided to change, to give him the short end of a very rotten stick. Leaving identical twins that aren't actually that 'identical'. An omega born into a body built for an alpha. 

That there is a scale to how severe the genetic mutation can be. Thus the need for adding a system or symbol to indicate where an AO falls on that scale. For the most part many AOs live pretty normal lives, with a few issues. The most common is drowsiness during pre-heats and heats. All AOs produce little to no scent outside of heats, nor are they able to smell scents outside of those times. Going up you run into many developing 'sleeping beauty syndrome' now instead of drowsiness. Sleeping through their heats, unless they come in contact with an alpha. Sometimes even that doesn't help. Sometimes even sleeping past that. Going even higher, some even start to slip into comas, many have to take suppressants daily to not react in a heat if they come in contact with an alpha. Others may live their lives going in and out of the hospital. Chronic issues and unneeded or underdeveloped organs being the biggest causes besides slipping into a coma. Even then an AO can move up and down the scale, getting better or getting worse. Mostly getting worse. It sounds like a fleeting and finicky life. It doesn't sound like Miya Atsumu. 

There's a discussion daily on if the identification system should stay those whole two weeks. You stay quiet. You don't think you should have any say on the matter. Even years later many omegas are split. Some finding identification gives terrible people an easier way to find their targets. Others feel that there's a security in knowing who's just like you. The center of it all comes back to AOs. The identification requirement was passed for them specifically, but was twisted to be passed for all omegas. The way that it was worded, identification has to go away for all omegas also. Something that could endanger many AOs if removed. And it could be 3 months to several years before a different system can be in place. It's a long and tricky battle of legal wording. You learn that many omegas don't like or understand AOs that much. Though a lot comes from misinformation. 

You even find out that there's Anomalous alphas and betas. But the mutations in those aren't as cruel in your opinion. You make a 100 on the test covering the topic. Remembering the clenched jaw of Osamu, and the cryptic words of "He's asleep" the entire time.

The night after getting the test back, you dream about dirty hands with no owner holding you down, tucking you into a filthy bed. Tying you so you can't get up. When you look over, you see a familiar head of blonde hair facing away from you on the other side of the bed. You get a hand free to reach out. To wake him or to be saved, you're not sure. But you wake up before you can. 

You throw the test away after that. It comes back to bite you in the ass during the final. You pass. Just not with the 90 and above that you expect from yourself.

You're 20 turning 21 the next week, when you run into Fuki Hibarida after a practice match. The pressure to find the right team to go pro with is heavy. You've run into the coach many times now. So you stop to be polite at least. He asks typical questions, you give typical answers. You're not surprised when he asks if you decided to go pro. You say yes, but hesitate when he asks what team. You would've liked to join the Adlers with Kageyama. You like his precision, clean sets, and standoffish demeanor. Despite what happened at youth camp, you respect him as a setter. But your hunger to beat Wakatoshi is too strong to stand having him as a teammate. You want to be on the other side of the net. You want to rise to the challenge and beat him. 

The older man just chuckles at your pause. He puts his hand to his chin, looking away in thought before suggesting "Go for the black Jackals, they have some tryouts in 2 weeks. And Atsumu. You always seem hungry for a challenge. I think he can provide that for you." You probably made a face because he chuckles more. "He'll match you tic for tac with that perfectionist nature of his." With that he walks off. 

You don't know why but you end up at their tryouts nonetheless. They've sent offers, but it wasn't as aggressive as other teams. Really they were more of suggestions. You don't see Atsumu there. When it's done the coach talks to you personally. You explain you want to finish college for both volleyball and school. You also tell them about your mysophobia and some irrefutable requests. They are happy to have you on reserve till then and more than willing to meet those demands and beyond. Just as long you can meet some of theirs. The fact that they want you to start as soon as you can feels shocking. You don't show that they have swayed you, but you feel as if their coach can tell with his simple beam of a smile. 

You have barely just turned 21, just starting to go on 22 when you finally run into Atsumu again. The bracelet around his wrist is new. With extra symbols besides the omega one. His hair is a softer shade of blonde, and is gelled to be swept up. His face is the same as usual, and he's still just slightly shorter than you. The blonde's face splits apart in glee when he sees you enter the locker room. "Well if it isn't Omi Omi." He snarks. You ignore him to simply deadpan "I'll be on reserve starting today." You mutter the "please take care of me" part of your polite greeting to the whole team. They give polite greetings back, and most soon follow out to practice. Atsumu is soon about the only person left along with Kotaro Bokuto. The former Fukurodani captain gives you a weird look of judgment, one eyebrow down, an eye almost shut, other open wide. He shakes his head with a nod before smiling brightly at you. "Looking forward to seeing how much you improved Omi Omi." You pause when you go to pull your mask off from your neck to turn to him. Face etched in disgust, snarling "Don't call me that." The alpha pouts before retreating to his own locker. 

"Hey Omi." Atsumu calls. Standing in the middle of the room. You ignore him. He grinds his teeth and clenches his fist after a while. "Kiyoomi" is spit out. You still ignore him, almost done getting ready. "Sakusa" is finally grinded out by the omega. Bokuto snickers behind his hand. "Yes" you acknowledge. Turning as you just finish putting on your practice shirt. 

"You better be sure to hit my sets." He says, eyes wide in judgement, as if he's trying to stare into your soul. To know if you meet his standards. "And if you can't, don't you even think about complaining to me" he finishes not breaking his stare once. Your face tilts up, feeling new wrinkles pop up between your eyebrows. Your eyes are nearly slivers, when you look down on him. Showing him how little you think of that demand. "Only players who aren't that good make demands like that Miya." The blonde doesnt react yet. Except for his nose just shooting up the slightest. "You were all talk throughout high school. I won't complain if there's nothing to complain about. So you'd be sure to do the same." He scrunches up his face at that, eyebrows knitted in anger. 

Bokuto slaps his back laughing. You walk off, body thrumming. You don't know if Fuki Hibarida was right. But you wont lie to yourself and say you aren't excited to see. 

He was. And so is Atsumu. Even the trickiest of sets feel smoother than any silk. There's no resistance. Your wrists feel slack, and exerted to your limits. You're worn out in the best way possible. When practice is done, he sends you a large shit eating grin. You don't acknowledge it, but your eyebrows twitch down. When you walk past without saying anything he snickers, while cocking his hip out to hold a volleyball under his arm. He's sure to follow behind you. 

When you're getting ready to leave, you hear the new bracelet chime as he's putting it back on. Curiosity calls for you to look. But you don't.

You don't know if it's out of respect. 

Or if you just don't want to know. 

You have two more practices like that. But finishing college takes up most of your time. You get the Mvp award. It's nice. You feel good. But you didn't beat Wakatoshi once again. The hunger to keep going keeps you up that night. Your body aches for exhaustion. You want to reach farther, so you rebuild your expectations even higher for yourself. You deep clean your college apartment that night for one of the last times.

Not long after you're moving out of your college apartment and into a room sandwiched between Bokuto's and Barnes' on the second floor of the team's dorm. Both of which are loud. Though you don't feel as frustrated with Barnes who tries to be quiet but bumbles about because of his height. Hinata Shouyo joins the team at the same time. Bokuto is ecstatic to say the least, Atsumu is too for about a week. Then he complains about having to move in two new people. You don't know who lives above you because of that. But the stomps and crashes they make, sound like a rhino trying to skate. You can't sleep. 

The practice that follows the move-in wears you out. And for more than being a good one. You're sleep deprived for one. Both Bokuto and Hinata are loud, jumpy and all too friendly. Though you suppose friendly is the better option to have than most. There's new routines to get used to. It's tiring. When you miss your first set since joining, you see Atsumu's mouth clench. You simply ask for another one. His jaw loosens but his mouth is tight still. You miss some, you hit some. But you keep flatly asking for more till he complains about needing to set to others. He looks childishly frustrated and surprised. When Bokuto goes to give you a friendly pat on the back while you walk away, it's the setter who scolds him about space and how he hits too hard instead of you snapping at him. You don't say anything, but you don't dwell on it, too frustrated with yourself. You just suppose the alpha made himself an easy target for the blonde's frustration.

You rush to leave when it's done. You shower till your skin is red. Then you shower again and again. From frustration, fear and change. Later when you go down to clean the cabinet in the kitchen you 'requested' the team let you have to yourself, the blonde sits at the table and makes comments, complaints, and snarks the entire time. You suppose that this is his way of getting back at you for today. It's surprising. How the older Atsumu compares to the younger. While this is just as childish, you expected a tantrum. It's the same petty Atsumu, but somehow more mature. He storms off after you make an off handed comment on his hygiene. It's amusing. And since you first moved in you let yourself breathe. It's nice to be reminded someone is still the same while not being. That change doesn't have to be total. 

You get used to the team after that. Though Bokuto and Hinata are still trying to get at least one very friendly team interaction out of you. It's not long before the division games start. Your first pro match is against Wakatoshi. Your body screams to play. For growth, To win. For something you know and love. To prove to yourself that you can meet your own high expectations. 

It's after your debut match against the Adlers, that you witness Atsumu fall asleep for the first time.

You don't like it. 

You were right back in your throwaway class with throwaway issues. It's not Miya Atsumu. 

But it is. 

It's at a forced movie night with the team. You choose to sit in a chair from the kitchen rather than on the crowded old couch. Behind and away from everyone. You were promised first dibs on the washing machines for the next 4 months to be here. You aren't sure what they mean by first since the team uses them at all God given hours of the day and night. But you plan on saying first even if you just got done an hour ago and their stuff is halfway through.

You don't watch the start of the film until Meian takes your phone away. He also takes Thomas' switch, who was looking just as bored with the romantic flick Barnes picked out. For the most part you end up with your arms crossed, legs stretched out, watching the team. There's jokes and loud laughter. Barnes, Atsumu, and Bokuto being the loudest. Thomas is sandwiched in the middle of the couch looking miserable. Mostly the object of tonight's teasing. To the right of him, Barnes and Inunaki are way too close to be more than just teammates. He scowls everytime Inunaki hits him with a leg while constantly getting adjusted in Barnes' lap. To his left is Atsumu on the arm, Hinata in the mIddle and the constantly squirming Bokuto right beside him. You find yourself laughing even as he's pushed around, head bobbing. At one point Barnes ends up putting his hand on the beta's upper thigh by accident, and the shocked squeal has everyone double over. While everyone is still laughing, Atsumu quiets his down to a lazy grin. His eyes are half-lidded. He doesn't laugh at any of the jokes made after that. Just a big lazy smile. You don't think anything of it. As the rest of the team laughs loudly, he simply quietly shuts his eyes and drifts off. He sleeps for the rest of the film, and no one says a word. It's not till the end when they're getting up from the couch that Bokuto even notices.

"Tsumu Tsumu?" He prods, the first time you ever seen him this gentle. The blonde doesn't move. Just even breathing. The outside hitter gives a little harder shake before frowning. Hinata hovers over his shoulder, before deciding to get Inunaki, who's quick to call one of the team doctors. Apparently used to this. Everyone is frowning, and crowding around. You stand back, not wanting to get in the way. The one who comes down is the woman who specializes in omega athletes, and was hired by the team when every member was almost exclusively that. Her face is blank and unreadable. She doesn't give any hint to how you should gauge this. Her stone cold expression is a contrast to how gentle she is when checking over Atsumu. She even sweeps the blonde's bangs up out of his eyes with a soft and careful movement. She does something with her hands against his chest, and finally Atsumu reacts, arms twitching towards hers, eyes opening a crack to look around confused. She smiles a little after that, even when he immediately shuts his eyes once again to sleep. She asks Barnes to help carry the setter to his room, the only person who wouldn't have an awkward time maneuvering th 6ft'2in male. He agrees, carefully cradling the setter in his arms. Used to this also. The whole exchange is quiet. 

You hate it. 

Later that night there's a deafening hole in the noise that permeates your room. You don't hear the stomps and creaks up above you. The absence of it is loud. You don't sleep that night. Or the 4 other nights it doesn't make itself known. 

The next time you see him is the next day after the 4th night, in the kitchen. He's drinking coffee, leg bouncing under the table. His other hand drums noisily on the table, fast and obnoxious. There's half of a freshly brewed pot gone. You haven't seen anyone else enter here. When he notices you he squints, before prodding "You got your hair trimmed?" You flatly reply back "yeah." 

He takes a sip before saying "It looks like shit."  
You're taken a little aback, but you recover by responding "Sorry I didn't hire a psychic to get your approval." He's moon-eyed at your sass, mouth open like a fish. Then he laughs, it makes your ears ring. You hear it follow you all the way to your room. 

That night you listen carefully over the loud yelling of Bokuto, and the thrumming foreign swears of Barnes for the noises that live above. Your eyes drift close when you hear the first stomp. You sit there in the dark listening, lulled to sleep. The last thought you have before sleep wins is that it sounds like pacing. Atsumu was pacing before going to bed. 

2 months and a half later you're reminded once again, that Atsumu was an omega. It's during a tv show shooting. The season has been good for the team, and fans want to see more than just games. The hosts are some omega and alpha duo or couple. You don't really care or want to know. It starts off as mostly as an interview with various questions. How has the team dynamic changed with the new rookies? What do you hope for this season? That evolved into asking about useless things fans would like to know. Who's the loudest? Who snores on the bus? It soon evolved into straight out fan service such as Thomas making a dating profile video on the spot. Bokuto taking his shirt off for the fans. You're thankful that all they request to see is how far you can bend your wrists. At the end Hinata and Inunaki are called out specifically by the omega host to eat desserts with stupid animal ears on. She makes some spiel about this being an omega specific segment. 

Inunaki is bright and smiley for the camera, but he pretends to say something to the team behind him, to roll his eyes out of view during her talk. Hinata keeps looking back at Atsumu, who wasn't even acknowledged. The setter simply keeps a lazy smile on his face, unbothered. When she's finished talking, she asks for a crew member to bring the food, Hinata opens his mouth. "What about Atsumu?" She blinks, Barnes and Thomas make a motion over their necks while whispering in english to shut up, seemingly forgetting the cameras rolling. Meian tries to laugh it off sheepishly. Bokuto looks wide eyed, shocked, at the orange haired omega. 

Inunaki is the only one who looks delighted. He turns to look at Atsumu with an evil smirk while sweetly saying "That's right" You guess the libero wants to take as many people down with him if he's doing this. Atsumu blinks. The hostess looks uncomfortable, looking at the other host, the director, Atsumu and Hinata. Finally she sputters "Right of course, I didn't realize he was an omega also."

That's a lie. 

Atsumu didn't keep it a secret. He had a bracelet. A few minutes ago the blonde was waving the damn thing all around while talking with his hands even. It rattled loudly with every wave. You saw him fidget with it boredly while Thomas gave his 3 minute dating video. And it wasn't like this was just coming out. Fans knew. They would ask sometimes at meets and signings. He would always answer. Yet the whole station didn't plan for him, just the other two.

Atsumu looks wildly at the team as he gets up and is placed between the other two omegas. He looks out of place. He doesn't fit. The hostess puts on the fakest of smiles as she apologizes. He blinks in response. He's blanked face as the crew brings out a table, a pile of headbands with ears and three desserts. He sits there still stunned for a bit before he's snapped out of it as Inunaki tests a pair of ears on him. Awkwardly he joins in, unsure. He acts as if this is his first time doing this. When they finally settle on what pairs of ears to wear, they go to eat. Inunaki and Hinata do some stupid cute things, such as getting cream filling on thier cheeks or nose, maybe eating some of it off thier fingers. This whole segment seemed to be geared towards pleasing alphas. The alpha host doesn't hold back his ogling. Barnes doesn't hold back his glaring. No wonder Inunaki was so annoyed. 

Atsumu stares at the creme filled pastry before picking it up and shoving half of it in his mouth. Hinata and Inunaki looked wide eyed before laughing. Atsumu doesn't seem to care, cheeks full, eyes shut, with the most stupidest realest grin on his face. There's filling on his cheek. He wipes it on the back of his hand, and proceeds to shove the rest of the pastry in. He sits there stupidly happy. He even asks if he can get another.

Later on the bus the whole team expects the setter to snap at Hinata. But he doesn't he just stares out the window stupidly happy eating his 4th pastry. 

When the show is aired that next week the stupid omega part is cut. He sits in the kitchen later that night drinking coffee, complaining about how you have a whole cabinet to yourself as you do your nightly clean of it. He stomps off after you don't take the bait to butt heads. You stay up that night scrubbing it over and over again.

2 weeks later the omega once again falls asleep. Though this time apparently it's a planned thing. You wake up, go to practice and do various things around the dorm never once seeing him. The day is quiet. The night is even quieter without his pacing. You can only stare at the ceiling for so long in the dark before you have to leave. The absence of noise is suffocating to you for the first time in your life. You run into Barnes in the kitchen that night practicing his japanese. He explains that normally him and Atsumu would work together. Explaining that the setter was trying to become fluent in english. He also tells you since there was a break in games right now, that the blonde was 'sleeping' to make sure he didn't burn himself out on his suppressants. Not wanting his body to be so used to them that they stop working. Inunaki was checking in on him. It was a suggestion by his doctor after the movie night incident.

You are the one to practice with the taller alpha that night. He compliments how fluent you are. You shrug. He helps you clean the kitchen. You compliment his washcloth handling. He beams and tells you how his aunt taught him. You do that for the next three nights. On the fourth one, you somehow end up on the third floor, trailing behind him as he goes to ask Inunaki if he has any bug spray. After seeing something scuttle by. You both flipped out, wanting and hoping for the libero to take care of it actually. He's coming out of Atsumu's room. There's screaming as another bug on this floor scuttles by, but you're running downstairs for a different reason. 

Your nose burns, as you throw yourself against the door of your room. You barely can get in as Bokuto comes out of his room to ask if you're okay. You have the urge to sink your teeth into something. You take a hot shower, even though you probably need a cold one. You scrub until your skin is red from not just the heat. You brush your teeth till they bleed. Anything to try and wash away what the scent of Atsumu made you feel. You can't shake this dirty feeling. It coats you and reminds you that you were born as an alpha. You think back to that bus ride home after your last spring tournament. 

You didn't find Miya Atsumu scent tolerable just then. You fucking craved it. You desired it. It was maddeningly how badly you needed to smell it again. 

You're 22, barely still going on 23, when Miya Atsumu unknowingly drags you into hell.

You don't stop showering that night. It's just one after another. You can't stop. You feel like fucking scum. For getting a hard on for someone who could fucking slip into a fucking coma if thier body decided to around you. You feel exposed. You were arrogant. It makes the crash all that worse. It burns even harsher because it's Atsumu. You can't. You don't want to. It hurts.

You hate once again. You hate being an alpha. You hate life for making Atsumu an AO. You hate mates. You hate the world for being what it is. You hate the quiet. You hate the noise. You just hate just to. 

You finally stop after your wake up alarm blares. You don't know how you even function that day. But you do. When you get back to your room to collapse, you fall asleep to stomping above you.

You dream that night of scrubbing your hands and arms until they start to bleed sleepy blue silk. Someone wraps their arms around you from behind. One of the wrist is wrapped in familiar looking silver, it moves from your torso to slide it's way up one of your arms. It grabs at the fabric you're bleeding and pulls. You start to unravel. You pull him off and turn around to stop him but Atsumu is gone. No one there. It's just a void. Suddenly you hear every noise you ever associated with him at once. 

You wake up to the sounds of Bokuto's bed thumping against your wall, Barnes' shower going, and Atsumu loudly laughing at something in his room. You slept through practice that day. There's a note that looks like it was written by an elementary kid on the floor by your door. It was Thomas, who simply asks "you okay?" 

You are not. 

You come out for dinner. Your body is exhausted from the past two days. No one asks anything too prying. You don't stay long hoping to fix the damage today and fall back into routine tomorrow. The team seems happy to see you're okay. Your cabinet looks oddly clean for something you haven't touched for a day. So does most of the stuff you clean nightly around the dorm. Half of it looks properly clean. Half looks like a very serious attempt was made. You itch quietly. And your chest thrums loudly with warmth. 

You avoid Atsumu though. Only seeing him out the corner of your eye as you run from him.

But you can't keep running for long.

The dread of how you react when you see him again is a hypebeast. You almost run from the next practice after that. But when you see him in the locker room there's none of what happened that day. As if it never really happened. You get ready nervously. But the day is normal. There's no scent to lull you. You feel mentally exhausted. You miss a set. But instead of asking for another one you simply say that the setter's time would be better spent on someone else today. He's tight-faced at that, and demands you hit again. You want to argue, but you simply shrug. You hit till you miss another one. You tell him once again to move on to someone else today. He's angry and you can see it. The setter this time grinds out that you keep going. You're surprised, but once again you do. You're not complaining, so you don't know why he's upset. He stops after Hinata whines about wanting to hit some. He looks ready to snap. Eyebrows knitted. He doesn't. N He sits at the table that night not saying anything while you clean. He just stares hard and angry. As if he can set you on fire that way. You finally just snarl out "If you have something to say, say it. If not, leave me alone and go pout somewhere else." He's quiet, mouth caving in on itself in a sour expression. Then as if opening the flood gates, the old 'old' Miya Atsumu is back. He stands up from the table with a loud squeak, pushing the chair down. He yells and screams while stomping to glare at you. About how he knows you expect better, how his sets are perfect, about how stupid you are for trying to stop after one and that he knows he can get perfection from you. He yells and yells till Thomas touches his shoulder. Then he yells more. Calling you various names. Stomping around you, the table, and the teammates that have gathered. When he's done he stands there in the middle of the room panting, red faced. 

You blink and then you laugh. You laugh so fucking hard your double over. And you laugh even harder when he starts back up, even more red faced then before. Louder and even more vulgar names spill out. Stomping here and there. Soon the team members there join you, Bokuto and Hinata stomping behind him at one point, teasing. He finally just screams as he storms off, hands up. 

You listen to him jumping up and down on the floor above you. Still screaming, hoping to keep you from sleep. He doesn't, it's like a thumping lullaby at this point. It's one of the best sleeps you have had yet.

But the fear of what happened that day lingers and doesn't rest. It just quietly hums in the background, in the dark and deafening corners of your mind. You don't know if the alpha part of you or the Sakusa part of you is the one who craves. The line is muddled. Past interactions feel tainted. And there's no way to clean a memory. 

Barnes has a friend visit for a week. A month later. An alpha friend. One who immediately decides to hit on Atsumu.You experienced jealousy before. But never this wide and dark. It breaks your confidence, and it rots you. You keep telling yourself you dont own him. That it's not right to think this way. The more you remind yourself, the more jealousy claws it's way into you. You shower twice in the morning that week. Three times in the afternoon. Six times at night just to try and feel some semblance of you. You tell yourself jealousy is normal, but the want and yearn are so strong you also tell yourself this isn't normal. What makes it worse is how much the setter responds. He has flirted with just about anyone who will, anyone who isn't an alpha that is. But even those fall flat going nowhere. To see him smile that stupid smile at the man makes you see red. But you're too afraid to make an approach. Of the hurt. 

You steam that whole week. During practice when you miss a set you snap at the blonde to keep sending you the ball. You keep that up till he walks away ignoring your demands finally. You yell at him to come back but he just goes to work with someone else. At the end of the week, a night before the team plans to send the man off with a night of drinks, the alpha is the one sitting in the kitchen leaning against the counter while you clean, sipping at a beer. Atsumu left earlier, red eared and red faced, smiling. You both sit there in silence, it spurs the hate you have, churning it. You just bite your lip and clean. He takes a sip before saying in English at first, but once again in broken japanese "You don't talk much do you?" You just grit your teeth before replying back in fluent english "No point when there's nothing to say." The man raises his eyes up in surprise. You both don't say anything after that. He takes a long loud sip before summarizing "I know your type." You pause to glare down at him, head up. He continues "Looking down on other alphas, that somehow you have raised yourself above it all. That your above even our most primal instincts. Arrogant assholes sitting in your ivory towers looking down at those of us who do. That we're just specks of dirt underneath you." You keep your head up. But your glare falters. He throws the rest of his drink back before finishing "But you all cry, moan and glare never making a move when it comes down to it. Sitting up there missing your chance. Never wanting to do the dirty part that comes with this. Wanting the other person to climb up there for you. He's going to be gone before you know it. Whisk away before he even starts to get a hand out to climb. Cause when that happens you're gonna realize your tower never existed. And you've been in the dirt with all the rest of us. So just some friendly advice, I'd start climbing down" He walks off, throwing the can away with a swing. You watch him go, face in disgust. Disgust at him being right. 

You sit a long time that night listening. But everything blends together. You can't hear Atsumu. You stay the whole night like that. Just straining to pick him out. When the man leaves, you're surprised the setter didn't seem that upset about it. When you go with the team for drinks 2 weeks later, the blonde just shrugs when you ask him about the man over a glass rim you wiped down 10 times before it touches your lips. You're still afraid to make your move, but you want to know if you can. He's leaned down on the table arms crossed, he doesn't turn to you when he replies "He wasn't staying long, but it was nice you know. To finally be hit on first." You don't understand what he means right then since plenty of people have hit on him. It's not till when your on about your 2nd drink at 3am, that you understand his stupid smile look. People are hooking up. Omegas and Betas alike are trying to pull the blonde away from his spot beside you. They don't, but they dont leave too disappointed, charmed. They see the bracelet, but they don't acknowledge it. Not a single alpha looks this way until they've been rejected by every other normal omega. He ignores them with a lazy smile. Even then many just ignore the blonde all the same. The TV station flashes back in your mind. How stupidly happy he was. You hated being an alpha, to be pointed out as such. But Atsumu craved to be acknowledged once for being an omega.

When you and most of the team, minus Thomas, get back at 5am, Atsumu stays up sitting at the table. You hesitate in the doorway before you decide to make coffee and keep him company for once. When the sun shines in the window that morning you swear he's too bright to live a life tucked away in sleepy blues. Miya Atsumu wasn't fleeting, he obnoxiously shone. He wasn't finicky, he was stupidly loud. You ache. Miya Atsumu wasn't any of those things but his body was. This moment breaks you on how much you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

It does drop. And it's a steel toe boot of pain hitting you. It's also how Bokuto finds out. It's a week later. You wake up early to Atsumu asleep at the table in the kitchen peacefully quiet in the blue hour of that morning, in one hand is a coffee cup that you own. The smell of coffee hits you first. It's pouring out onto the counter, the pot off to the side. Then the smell of him. You almost choke on all the fabric you stuff in there. To have something to bite on while you rush out to get help. To fight to get away. This isn't normal. Something's wrong. He was awake yesterday. You slam yourself at first against Bokuto's door, the tell-tell thumps of a bed against the wall this morning insured you he was in the dorm. You bang so hard on the door you think your knuckles are bleeding. When he opens he looks pissed until he sees the state you're in. Then he's confused and pissed off. All it takes is for you to choke out "It's Atsumu" for him to understand, he pushes past you to run and get someone. You can't even open your door. You lean against it hunched heaving for air. You feel someone's hand on your back, but Bukoto back shoving them into his room before he's hauling you both into yours.

He scrambles around before he grabs something. Next thing you know air freshener is being sprayed directly into your nose. It burns worse than Atsumu. He's sure to spray it into your mouth too. You can only sit there and gag as he sits on your bed in his boxers watching. When you finally are able to spit and stomach the chemical taste, you pull him off by his ankles. He growls, but let's it go with a "You have no idea how many people I've had to do this too." You let that go by standing up to get clean. When you exit your bathroom after what feels like hours he's sitting on your bed once again, dressed this time looking around. He stops when you step out to get dressed. He informs you that they've sent Atsumu to the hospital. You only can only swallow at that, before giving a hum of acknowledgement. You want to clean. But he stays. Then he asks about it. You guess he's more perceptive than you thought, or maybe you're a bad liar. Something tells him that this wasn't the first time. You want him to yell awful things at you, but he doesn't, he's just quiet for once. You hover around unsure what to say or do. Then he asks you when it started. You're surprised when you think when did I start liking Atsumu or when did I start 'liking' Atsumu? You're more surprised to have actually said that out loud. So he ask "Both" and you answer honestly "I'm not sure anymore" 

He scoots over to let you sit on the bed. You hesitate at first but sit down at the top of your bed against the wall, he sits at the very foot against the wall. There's five feet apart between you. You both stare at the other wall, after a while you talk. He listens. You tell him everything. He doesn't interrupt you, doesn't react to anything. When you're done you feel numb. You feel like a monster. You feel dirty. 

Finally he emotionally deadpans "That's some tough shit" Finally since you started talking you turn to look at him. He does the same and repeats "That's some tough shit" You both laugh, which turns into silent heaves and wet cheeks. For yourself, but mostly for the quiet ache Atsumu has left in you. He gets up after a while, and informs you that he's going to check up on Atsumu. He asks if you want to come. You nod no. He nods to let you know he understands. It's late afternoon when he leaves. It's bright. Your whole room is painted in the light. You can see everything. Better than any lamp can provide. 

You're lethargic. 

You sleep even though it's quiet upstairs. You sleep the whole month that the blonde sleeps. You feel dazed the whole month he sleeps. You're only really woken up by him screaming in his room at the game he missed. At all the practice he missed. At how easily his perfection can shatter. At how confusing the world can become in a month. The harsh pacing stomps he makes. The crash of him destroying anything he can get his hands on. Frustrated to have it all taken away by nobody but himself. The quiet ache you have opens itself into a screaming gaping wound. You listen. You yearn. You cry. 

You never visit the omega once while he was gone. You don't want to see what that's like. Not yet. You want a golden bright room in late afternoon. Not a sleepy blue room in the earliest morning hour. Not yet. 

When you see him the next night, there's a pot of coffee being brewed. He looks away and into the steaming cup he has already. You go on to clean. He doesn't talk at first. But then he does when you grab yourself a cup. He complains. You sass back that normal people want to stay up too. He's quiet but then he starts to laugh. You spend the whole night like that, exchanging insults. It's loud. The kitchen light is old so it paints the room yellow. The night feels all that much darker and cold outside the window. It feels warm in the room. He joins you for the first time to help you clean. He's bad but he tries, he tries so hard, and your chest is on fire. It's so hot you can feel it in your eardrums, as if cotton is stuffed in there. When you split ways that night, as you brush your teeth, you come to realize that you are still a bigger fan of tea than coffee. The thought makes you smile.

The next month that follows is like a dream to you. You tuck every interaction away. Tightly kept, wrapped in sheets of gold, in the bed of your heart. You're still afraid but you're starting to prep for your climb down, with silk of sleepy blue as your rope. The hardest part will be the jump. 

The time to hits you hard. It comes faster than any spin you are able to put on the ball. It leaves you reeling.

The team does a PR hospital visit, but they make sure it feels like it's more than that for the kids you visited. Atsumu jokes at how bad you are around kids. You tell him that luckily you can practice working on it since he is one. Even though there's fear in you of all the germs, it's just a light scattering of itches. It's a good day. It was a good day. You both walk off at some point, him to get water. You just too. While standing there, a few halls down, a small girl comes up and asks him, pointing to the bracelet "Are you dream royalty too?" You stiffen up, he just blinks. As children do, she continues "My daddy says that picture means your dream royalty, and that you take care of dreams. Are you a dream prince?" Atsumu blinks once again, you don't know what to say. Finally he smiles his stupid smile. But it's not bright and hard. It's soft and sleepy. You don't like it, you want to pull him away when he bends down to ask her where her dad is. She replies with her mom, who is a dream princess she tacks on the end. He stands up and asks her if she's lost. She says she's not lost, she's just wandering. He tilts his nose and asks her if she can wander back. She squints and calls him stupid, that knowing the way back defeats the purpose of wandering. If you can go back you're not doing it right. He calls the little girl stupid back, and says she wont admit she's lost. They both scowl at each other for a minute. You can only stare. Finally he sighs and holds out his hand and says let's get you back to your dad. He doesn't turn to ask you what you will do, he just starts to walk away, hand rattling away in hers. You follow along just too. 

Even though it should feel sweet, you feel as if you're being led to the gallows. That Atsumu and the little girl are unknowingly stealing you away from the waking world to one that's washed out and filled with even breathing. One that softly rises and falls. A world that is fleeting and finicky. 

On the way she babbles and babbles about an imaginary world created by an aching father to explain a dead-like mother. Atsumu just takes it in stride. You hate it. You much rather tell her the truth than to hear pretty lies. Anything to get her away and not be reminded that your late sunny afternoons will always come back to those blue hour mornings. That the march of time is endless just as the possibility of Astumu ending is never going to stop, that fear has made a permanent place in the bed of gold you've made your heart into. You want to pull him away to the team dorm. To the kitchen there. To the old disgusting couch. To your thin wall room, that is surrounded by noise. You want to pull him away to practice, to tell him to keep setting even if you miss. 

But you don't. You just follow. Quietly. You have to face this one day, that's what loving him entails. This could be your future. That is if he wants you to be the one beside him. 

She turns to look at you and then Atsumu at one point. "If you're a dream prince in training, does that mean he's your waking prince. My daddy says all dream royalty is born with a person whose suppose to wake them. He says he's a prince but I dont think princes are suppose to have chin hair." Atsumu blinks before laughing loudly. He looks at you, ears red and face red. He has his stupid smile. You feel so warm. He turns back to facing forwards but you can see how that stupid smile splits his face. He says then "Maybe, I just know he's someone's prince" You are on fire. You see him peeking, back at you afterwards. He has the most annoying, obnoxious, largest, realest shit-eating grin for the rest of the walk to the nurse's station. You know now that you're already on the side of your tower climbing, readying yourself for a leap of faith. Into a world full of unclean things with no ways to clean them. You're ready. 

When you get to the nurses station he explains the situation, asking if there's an AO ward. That you would both take the little girl to that nurse's station. She seems hesitant before Atsumu flashes his bracelet. She concedes for him but not for you. Atsumu's red face must've worn her resolve down because she hands you another mask, and gloves. Gives you a sticker with the alpha symbol. Tells you that there are black lines all alphas must stay in unless you are family and mates. You only nod your understanding till she glares for you to give an actual answer.

You do and all three of you are buzzed into a place that requires for you to constantly have something identifying your secondary gender for once. It's quiet. The wards colors are washed out blues and off whites. The walk is filled with beeping of machines, they make the rattle of the blonde's bracelet a sworrowing melody. Nurse at the station looks swamped. But she frowns when she sees who Atsumu has in tow. The little girl just glares off to the side in childish annoyance at the scolding. Atsumu just laughs off the apologies the nurse gives and offers to walk her back to her mom's room. The nurse looks relieved. You stay in the lines on the floor. They anchor you to path he walks in front of you. You stop finally in front of an opened door room. The only thing you can see through the crack is parts of two people. Mostly the hands joined together on the bed, one with wires and tubes decorating it. The little girl finally let's go, says goodbye quietly and shuts the door. You stand beside him as he stares blankly at it. Your gloved hand reaches out, fingers brushing his. He pulls them into his plam, wrapped in warmth. Its cold, but you feel warm too. You both stand there staring till the harsh beeping and the muffle sounds of doctors rushing to a room pushes him to run. To run away from what he might become. 

You find him sitting outside the ward, heaving, facing the wall, bent down. You don't say anything and you don't acknowledge it. You just stand close by, so he knows you're there. After a while you hold your hand out to pull him up. You follow him to the bathroom. You don't have much choice because he drags you there by your hand. He let's go of it when he's in there. 

You touched the dirt and looked up from where you just climbed down. The dust you create chokes you. But you don't try to reach up to get away. You know it's time. For once you dont fear the unclean.

You stand 5ft away from him when you tell him. About everything. He's leaning against the sinks. The warmth you felt has cooled away. It's just cold. He swallows before asking you to repeat what you just said. You do, you tell him once again how you reacted to his scent. He's not looking at you but you can see the hurt washing his face in the mirror. It's blue in the bathroom. The artificial lights wash you both in it and does a poor job of keeping the dark out of corners. He swallows again, hands tight around the sink. 

Then he's on top of you, pushing you down into the tiled floors. He punches you, yelling about why you didn't speak up earlier. About how he's been seeing doctor after doctor just to know why he's getting worse. How you've taken volleyball away from him because you're a coward. How you're dirt, trash, disgusting and scum. You're not surprised. Because he's right. He shakes you as he lays on top of your chest, angry. He screams about how he trusted you, and how he actually thought you were a decent person. He screams about how you're killing him for real. He finally gets up when he's worn himself out. He looks down on you from where you lay on the floor. The lights above him shadow his face so you can't see the pain. A small comfort. He walks off. You lay there just a bit longer. To lie in the dirt. 

When you leave, the bus ride is quiet. No one asks about your nose. Your numb. They get their answers when Atsumu can only harshly spit the word coward out at you as he passes through the kitchen when you clean. He doesn't stay up to drink a whole pot of coffee. He doesn't berate you at getting a cabinet to yourself. He doesn't just sit with you in a comfortable loud silence. 

You don't feel anything. No ache, no warmth, no cold.

You expect a suffocating night of silence. But instead Thomas, Barnes, Hinata and Bokuto join you. They help you clean that night. The quietest you ever heard them since you joined. The room is warm. You're the loudest one, for once. The rag you have harshly squeaking as you try scrub away something, the pain, the quiet. You put on tea instead of a pot of coffee. They stay up with you. And at some point you find yourself finally sitting on that old disgusting couch, watching some artsy film Hinata picked out. Sandwiched between jumpy, loud and all too friendly people. Your chest stomps and crashes with warmth. 

The next day you feel so numb you're sure you have died. 

Atsumu stays hurt for awhile. He acts hurt for longer than that. All talk. It's petty. It's him. As usual it childishly backfires on him. You honestly wouldn't want to have it any other way.

It's 4 months and a half when you find out. During that time, he goes from swearing at you under his breath at every chance to avoiding you as much as possible. Despite having almost 3 years worth of dibs on the washing machines, somehow three of your shirts end up missing. You flatly announce it to the team filled kitchen that Atsumu has yet to run away from, filling a cup full of coffee. Hinata, blissfully oblivious Hinata, spilling whatever is on his mind, gurgles around a spoonful of cereal after you describe the shirts "Oh I think I saw two shirts like that under Astumu's bed, must've gotten mixed up with his clothes." Inunaki kicks him under the table while the rest of the team shallowly agree while staring at the setter's stiffened back. He retreats stoically, leaving with a "I'll check" but the barest of pink dust his ears. Your heart jumps up and down that night, screaming, trying to keep you from sleep. You don't. It's too warm. You stare up at the ceiling, thrumming. You don't clean that night. For once something doesn't call for you to get up. There's no itch. Instead it begs for you to just lie there and stare. Warm. 

You wake up to two of your missing shirts washed and thrown haphazardly at the floor of your door. You wait the longest you can before something itches at you to wash them properly. You can't help yourself when you miss a set at practice, and he complains for the first time in almost 5 months, to deadpan "You know you could have just asked." He sputters and scrambles to say something back. Eyes narrow in anger. Red faced. You just tilt your head up as you look down, smirking. Hinata stares confused at what's happening, waiting his turn to practice. Inunaki just whumps the back of his head. You're so warm. 

That night, he sits in the kitchen with you for the first time in months. Pouting and angry. You don't say anything, honestly afraid he might bolt. You're burning, and you don't want this to end, so you never feel that numb again. You feel so cold, and you want it to end so you don't ever feel that numb again. The bed of your heart is once again fitted with golden sheets, and sleepy blue pillows. Instead of an achingly white room it's been since your confession. You're practically vibrating in emotion. Finally he takes a sip of coffee and snarks "You have shit fashion choice". You sass back flatly "Not shit enough for you apparently". He chokes on his coffee and coughs red faced. You add with a smirk "I'm still missing a shirt". He stomps and yells after that. Soon the rest of the team in various states of dress file in to watch. Which just escalates his tantrum all the more. You just bask in how bright, loud and warm it is. 

You're 23 going on 24 waking up to him asleep in your bed for the first time. The next day Miya Osamu swings a monstrous right hook into your eye, while the rest of the team tries to pull you two apart.

You're 23 about to turn 24 when he laughs and cries at you for crashing your newly bought first car into a sign, because a bug flew into the car. He's even louder the next day when he tells the lady checking you out at the grocery store.

You're 24 just starting going on 25 when you spend your first night awake, next to a hospital bed. Yearning. It's quiet. You have onigiri every night.

You're 24 almost 25 when you're the one waking up in the hospital bed for once after he gives you what the hospital calls it's worst case of food poisoning in years.

You're 25 going on 26 when you yell at him about not wanting kids. Afraid of what his body might do.

You're 25 going on 26 when once again Miya Osamu punches your lights out. That next day.

You just turned 26 when he mentions to you about moving out of the team dorm, while playing with a ring on his finger.

You're about 26 for a week when you find yourself once again in a hospital room, waiting. You wake up to freshly made onigiri your entire stay.

You're 26 going on 27 when you finally move out of the team dorm, into an apartment with Astumu. He's 27 going on 28. It's a small corner place that's not too far from the team gym. The jog in the morning is brisk, through crowded streets.

It's 3 months after moving in you wake up to him spilling his guts to the toilet at 3 am. It's the 5th time this week. He struggles back to bed and sleeps. You pretend to sleep, only to stare up at the ceiling when his breathing evens out. You itch. You vibrate. You thrum. He keeps on telling you that it's a bug. But you know where he hides things he doesn't want you to see. That next night you're not sure what drives you but you shake him awake. You get him dressed as he sleepily protests. You pile him into the second car you bought in your life. And you drive until it's almost blue hour. You have no idea where you are. Just following signs that feel right. He's still asleep. Not even waking up when you stop for gas, despite the station's harsh artificial lights. You pull into a random parking lot in a random small town. You pick a place that has as much of a flat horizon as possible. Everything is washed out. It's beautiful even if it's plain looking. You're tired from driving nonstop. You don't think you can get back without using the GPS. The blonde is still asleep in the passenger seat, his hair almost looks white in the light. You stay up, holding his hand, watching as the sun gets ready to rise. Your eyes start to close just as cool pinks and purples give way to golden yellows and oranges. You think you hear him wake up. But you don't know, your eyes are shut. 

You're sure he's up. 

You hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Just some songs I listen too while writing this. 
> 
> https://youtu.be/08qd-vsHbaY
> 
> https://youtu.be/4F8N4hwD5E4 song where the title comes from
> 
> https://youtu.be/c_1bKjCeM8A
> 
> Hope everyone is well, and safe. Thanks for reading. Idk I'm proud and not? I cut a lot out of it and changed some stuff. Idk yet if that was a good idea. Lol why this seems so much chiller then the first note.


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